I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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