If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
