don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
