you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
