My cat gives me a boner
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
