There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
there's paper in my vomit.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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