I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
