Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize