It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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