i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
