then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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