I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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