This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
