once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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