Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
