i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
