He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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