I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
