I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
