im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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