Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
