i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
