So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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