I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize