I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
