i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
