you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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