i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We have started to decorate penises.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
