i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think a kid would responsible me up
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
