I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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