My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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