i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
