I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
