i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize