I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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