You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
