dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Someone signed my nipple.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
