If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
