I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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