I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Randomize
