I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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