So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
