hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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