Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
