So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
