The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
my poor anus
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
