She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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