omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
