There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
