saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
