I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
