I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
