I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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