im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
