My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
