somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
