i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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