I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
