I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
